.still

I still miss you. No doubt I’ve made progress; every thought of you is starting to become less and less painful. But there’s still so much that I’m holding onto.

I should give it all up and just let it go but I’m not. You’re always going to be there. I just kinda wish I could talk to you. I feel like I still wear you in my heart with a shameful pride. Remember how I said there isn’t going to be anyone in the world that would love you more - it still holds true and from the way I see it, I don’t think anything about that would ever change. No ones gonna know you the way I do. I still do love you, and not even for your traits that give you an added value. Everything about you from the way you treat people, the way you think, the things that you get mad about. Your flaws. Over the years, I’ve gotten to know you and love you completely - your being as an entirety.

I’ve started to think that maybe we could be just right for each other, and that no one else will ever get me like you do - vice versa. But you know, not everything is meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to be that kind of happy with you. Maybe you were just in my life to teach me how to cope with real pain.

Whatever the case, I miss you.

This weekend was a real eye opener for me. It made me realize what I’ve been missing out on. It’s kind of weird how it seemed like you were here for a long time, but it was only 3 days. And then after a few hours passed, and you were gone, it felt like I haven’t seen you in forever. Waking up from my nap and not seeing you threw me off. Like, what now? Back to reality. I feel like I’m literally just waiting for the days to pass by just to be with you again. I’m never one to express how I really feel, but with you I just do it. Without thinking. Because when I think, I’ll rationalize, and try to apply some sort of logic to why I’m thinking the way I am. But that’s not how this should be. It feels good for once to just be able to say how I feel; to be able to be completely comfortable, and not worry about secrets. Because in the end, time is always against us. It’s good and bad that we don’t see each other all the time. The whole time not seeing you or being with you only plays as some sort of buildup that leads to an extreme passion for when we are together. It’s amazing and crazy and difficult but very worth it.

The only thing I fear right now is the same exact thing as you. Life is all about the positives and negatives right? Right now, everything is good. Later, of course things will get bad. But that’s the risk that has to be taken in order for us to get the most out of our time here. When times get bad, I wanna go through it with you. I have no intention of leaving, and I know I can’t see the future, but I just haven’t felt so sure about anything else before. If anything I’m scared that you’ll leave me; because I’m not right for you, because you can’t trust me.

Anyway I can’t wait til the next time. I miss you too much.

PS. Seriously you should start writing that script now because it’d make a really good movie.

I’m sorry that I disappear. I’m sorry that I’m not the same as I was before. I’m sorry that hearing you have any feelings for me makes me feel better… I think it’s the fact that after all this time, after everything we’ve been through, every time I hear something close to what I want to hear, I feel a little hope left for me.

It’s wrong for me to be selfish.I don’t really know what I’m thinking right now, but all I know deep down is I want you. The biggest problem with me is I just can’t take that chance. That chance to fuck everything up. I want everything to be perfect. I’m tired of living with all my fuck ups. For once in my life, I want to have a relationship, where I don’t have any doubts in myself. I just want everything to be perfect.

I’m sorry I keep my distance. I don’t expect you to be around, but if you hear me out on this, I hope you’ll at least consider sticking around with me.

-_-

I really just need to fucking let loose. I need to let all this sadness out. But it never comes out. I can’t fucking cry, no matter how hard I try I can’t. I’m bitter and I’m desensitized. It’s even hard for me to sympathize.

Jesus.

I would like to feel normal

I want fucking school to end.

I want to move somewhere new and get the fuck out of here.

I want to forget you.

I need a change of scenery.

I wish I never met you.

I want so many things to change in my life.

I’m not happy.

Is there such thing as trying too hard? I feel like I do. And for what? I study my ass off, I get tired, and somewhere in there is disappointment when I do bad. Like, FUCK yknow. I play soccer and I practice only to get fuckin injured.

When the fuck will it end? Why would you take away my only outlet? ESPECIALLY when I’m trying to phase out. Clean up. Why do you have to make it that much harder for me?

Driving around earlier, I realized. Struggles just aren’t worth it. I mean it’s good to, once in a while. But what if you already don’t take everything for granted. What if you’re happy with where you’re at? For all you know, you could be dead by tomorrow.

I hate fuckin being on my own and shit. I mean it’s cool. I can do it. But fuck. I hate that I just feel alone and nobody fucking gets me.

4/16

Tonight was good. Don’t judge me for getting too ahead of myself, but tonight sparked a lot of lost hopes and feelings even. I know better, and I shouldn’t expect anything to build off of whatever it is my train of thought is taking me… but for now I’ll just let it ride. Once again, I’m just gonna go off.

I don’t mind you keeping me around. I’ll be the friend that you need, and although it may jeopardize any shot of me actually finding that “happy” state that I’ve been looking for, I just have that feeling that I know it will come (eventually) in due time. I’ve come to the conclusion that in this lifetime people really do come and go, and the ones that actually make a big difference, are the ones that you’re most grateful for. Call it weird, helpless, whatever you want, but if my purpose in life is to help people realize exactly it is what they want then I’m fine with that. For now.

Reason being is I’m in that stage where I’m not looking. I have a lot of faith in myself, my future, and even God, that one day I’ll be blessed with experiencing that real love.

I’m perfectly content with where I’m at. I’m satisfied with knowing that I have a purpose right now, and that I actually know what role I need to play. I think one of the worst feelings is being totally lost and not knowing how to deal with yourself.

I’m glad that I actually got my head square on my shoulders, and that it’s not elsewhere just floating around.

Coughs

I keep coughing. Like random coughs. I know it’s probably because of smoking but fuuuck shit’s been going on for a while. I’m doing good so far. Down to 1-2 a day :)

Anyway. I think now that I have this space… I’ll be writing a lot more. I don’t really like writing on my other tumblr because there’s too many people that follow me that I wouldn’t want knowing about my personal life. You guys know how it goes.

One thing that’s been on my mind lately is my lifestyle. I’m glad that I’ve been getting back into soccer and shit. I feel like it’s what used to define me. Funny huh? It’s like my gift and my curse though yknow. I stay gettin injured from that shit. But I love playing. Fuck. It kills me thinking one day I won’t be able to no more. Especially with my bad ankle.

Okay gettin to the point. I don’t know when I’ll start… Maybe today? I’m giving up drugs. Not alcohol - I know it’s a drug too. But the weed and E. I really wanna cut it out of my life. Serious on this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been such a good fuckin’ run. I wouldn’t trade any of the nights I’ve rolled for the world. And weird to say, but Mary Jane has been a good companion to me these past few years. Helped me get through some tough times. BUT the effects on my health just ain’t worth it to me anymore. I feel like I’m gettin slower, mentally. If I wanna succeed in my career, I really need a sharp, fast mind. Especially with engineering. I wanna get to that lifestyle where waking up at 8am isn’t something foreign, but routine rather. I want to be able to fuckin carpe diem. Haha. That’s all it is. I know it’s possible to use and be successful, but I just don’t wanna live my life like that.

Guess you can say from here on, I’m slowly starting a new chapter in my life.

Congratulations

These are all my secrets. K not all of them. But if I’m following you I would greatly appreciate it if you don’t reblog my shit. THAT WOULD FUCKIN SUCK.

Anyway. This shit right here is real. My real thoughts. Only my close friends see this so if I’m following you, be honored because you’re one of few who gets to read shit about my personal life.

Only rule:  Only talk about whatever’s in here when we’re hanging out 1 on 1.

Cool?

K PEACE.

I’m tired

I’m tired. Of a lot of things. This is a semi-drunken post, but semi-drunken words are a sober man’s thoughts. Right?

I’m tired of just being there at your disposal. I’m always there whenever you need me. But obviously whenever I need you… you’re nowhere. You don’t try to make yourself a part of my life the way I do yours. You never just call me out of nowhere. It’s always me doing everything. I wish I never got attached with you again. It was just a mistake. Sometimes I feel like the whole friendship is a mistake. It’s based off of lies. You don’t know how I feel. And well you don’t feel anything for me. So all my efforts are obviously just… useless. You know? It’s like working towards something in hopes that there’s already something there to build off of. But in reality, there’s nothing. I hate putting so much time in you.

I wish you’d be there for me more. There’s no one else that I try so hard to make time for and to hang out with. There really isn’t. I just want some reciprocation. I want you to be the best friend that I’m being right now. But then again I’m being selfish. You have your own life to live.

I hate giving off the impression that I’m busy. But then again I want people to know that I have shit to do. But it really shouldn’t hurt for you to hit me up whenever yknow? Fuck.

I’m just disappointed in my close friends because they’re not here right now. I hate going through fuckin shit alone. I’m so used to it and fuckin I just wish that someone would catch me and help me up when I’m fuckin down yknow.